Those who know me well, know I am an avid fan of the movie Fight Club. I’ve read the books, memorized the movie, etc. You get the point. Recently, I was watching it and came across an interesting revelation that hit home for me, concerning my relationship with the Creator. The scene is Lou’s Tavern. “Just ask, man.” After much deliberation, Jack finally asks “Can I stay at your place?” with the very fast response from Tyler Durden “Yeah.”
Pausing as I write, I am wondering how to properly express what it is that I’m feeling right now. I previously mentioned that December has been a historically bad month for me. Today is December 1st the weight is beginning to press down upon me. My hope in circumstances changing was quickly pulled away from me as the client abruptly retracted the job offered. I received a 0 on a quiz — not because I didn’t answer the question properly, because it was answered remarkably well, but because the professor knew I hadn’t done the reading. My closest friends are becoming quite distant, as they pursue great things in their life. And I have never felt quite so distant from my Heavenly Father. Oh, and the fight got cancelled because the Ohio Athletic Commission refused to let family fight each other. Terrific.
Yesterday, while driving, I heard a song on the radio that hit home for me. FYI, it’s a very rare situation that I listen to the radio instead of CD; I’m a sucker for quality. As the artist sang, the lyrics spoke about not looking at the past of where you’ve been but to look at the future and where God will lead you. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I do not know where I am going. I see, very clearly, the past that I’ve come from. However, I do not know where God is taking me. I’m not even sure if I’m doing the right things to take me to where I’d like to end up in life. Bam. I-71 South, pouring rain and shedding tears.
The only true joy I have experienced in recent times has been for others, as I watch and encourage others to pursue their dreams, passions, ambitions, and goals. To see others as they move across cities and countries, from school to school, company to company. My heart beats for the people who are realizing the goals of their life with these steps. And I am so happy for them, it is hard to describe. I have had the opportunity to share in the frustration of my friends as they experience the discouragement of finding an apartment in a new city, only to share in the victory as they call and tell me they finally found “the one”. I have spoken to several who are under incredible amounts of stress as they prepare for examinations and extremely difficult schooling, with the chance to share in the p0st-exam victory as they scored confidently. Sometimes brushing away my own tears of frustration as I speak to these people, only to then share in their tears of joy. This has been my life.
My entire life, I have been a giving individual. And it does not surprise me that I find such great joy in the sharing of others accomplishments; I love seeing others succeed, and having the privilege to encourage them when they need it the most. I’m not quite sure why I am placed in these spots, as my encouragement often seems as if it lacks depth or experience. However, my heart leaps for joy when able to share these experiences with others.
“Just ask, man.”
I’ve questioned what role God plays in our lives, as I wondered what line we draw where we, ourselves, must act in order to produce the results we are hoping for, versus the notion that God would miraculously provide for His people. It’s been something I’ve struggled with. However, if you’d like to read about that — just read down a few blog posts.
The important thing is that I’ve realized our relationship with our Heavenly Father is often something we do not realize the full potential of. I have had a hard time praying for things I felt were possible to obtain simply by working. And I even tried to live according to this principle. Not because I was trying to steer away from God, but because I felt it was using the talents and abilities He gave me, which would bring Him glory. And I have come to the conclusion that I have not been a very faithful Son to my Father, as I’ve failed to mention to Him the needs and desires of my heart, even if I do not know them fully.
It’s embarrassing that such a conclusion could come from watching as terrible a movie as Fight Club. However, it was the reminder I needed to remember that our Heavenly Father wants us to ask Him for that which we need, in addition to serving Him fully.
It’s time for some prayer.
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