Ironic as it may sound, my website went through a technical issue that caused me to lose a lot of writing that has occurred over the past year. It is ironic because as much as I would love to have that writing back – something I’ll never have – I can look back on the time between February and December of 2013 and realize just how much my life has changed during that time period. I may not have the writing during my time in China….but I have, in my heart, the changes and growth that occurred on that trip.
The resounding theme for my life this year would be “things change and life goes on.” And that’s exactly it. Life goes on, triumphantly marching from day to day. Whether or not we are joining in its triumphant march remains up to us.
Seeing as how there were several weeks to ponder the relaunch and repair of my website, I’ve had a lot of time to think about just what might go into this first post. Hundreds of ideas and topics have flooded my mind. When you lose your website, even for a short period of time, it’s as if you’ve lost a very dear friend. For me, as a writer, I felt like a part of me was somehow lost and wanting to be found again.
Earlier this year, I had somebody tell me “you’re just a f*cking kid. You don’t know anything.” What this year has taught me is that I do know something. And I also know there are a great deal of things I do not know. But, to make the claim that I am just a child is something I consider to be absurd.
Children make mistakes and don’t realize the gravity of their consequences. Real men are capable of making choices with their lives and paying the price for their choices, while also factoring in the potential consequences prior to making the decision. Real men are capable of taking a beating and getting back up, stronger than they were when they hit the ground. That happened to me this year, and I am firm and resilient in my desire to succeed, stand up taller, and take charge of my life.
We have a limited amount of control in our lives; unforeseen variables and life happenings can rock our boat wildly. Yet, we cannot sit in the bottom of the boat and pray we land in the right direction. Some do. I choose to grab an oar and paddle like hell until I reach the shore of my goal.
That being said…to the blog.
I’m twenty-six years old. 26.
A younger me had a profile that found its inspiration from the poet, John Keats. He had the misfortune to pass away when he was my age. On his tombstone was written “Here lies One Whose Name was writ in Water.” I put the image above for illustration purposes.
At the age of twenty-three, my grandfather stood in front of a mirror and had a recollection of his life. In his book, he describes the moment as if he is looking into the eyes of another individual, foreign to him. “Master Sergeant Plaat!” He barked into the mirror.
There is a part inside of me that feels as if I am inadequate or not where I want to be at this point in my life. This is primarily caused to not reaching the levels of success I had wished I’d found at a younger age. “There is great power to be found by living in the present, because that is where all of your choices to be made are found.” somebody recently told me. I realize the truth to this statement more with each passing day and it helps bring me peace about where I am at in life; accepting what I must accept and changing what I feel needs to be different.
The sun can only rise once per day. Our choices are no different; we have but limited moments and time to make the decisions and choices we need to make at the moment we need to make them. Our seconds are precious.
Looking in the mirror and beginning to see the early signs of wrinkles and skin that no longer shows childish youth, I’m beginning to really accept the fact that I’m getting older and that adulthood isn’t something you ‘arrive’ at one day, but gradually slip into as you move forward in life.
We begin to replace the greasy all-you-can-eat pizza buffets of our college years with organic-certified low-sodium pizzas that taste nothing like what a real piece of pizza should taste like. Our vocabulary changes – as does our word choice – and our minds continue to mature.
I’m now more conscious about my health and the choices I make with regard to their long-term benefit/detriment. Perhaps not as much as I ought to be…but it is in the back of my mind that I will not live forever and I have to be careful about balancing a life that includes ‘living’ with ‘aging’. Fast cars are safer than fast motorcycles, while high-caffeine supplements full of heart-stopping 1,3-dimethylamylamine and all-night sessions of work will take their toll eventually.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
Ring fingers begin to pop up in photos and Facebook status updates; announcing to the world that there is no longer a vacancy for a ring.
Divorce begins to be something your friends – rather than your friend’s parents, or your parents – begin to cope with in their lives.
Kombucha. Fair-trade. Non-GMO. Certified organic. Acai. Antioxidant. Gluten-free. Grass-fed. Cage free. Chia seeds. Organic juice mixes. These words become a part of your vocabulary and increasingly-expensive shopping list.
I’m paying more attention to what my doctors – and my body – are telling me. I have a physical scheduled for this upcoming Thursday that is currently terrifying me and my phobia of needles.
As all of these things begin to pile up, I’ve wondered if I am missing a vigor and energy to my life that I felt was once there, or if I am actually growing closer to living the way I’d like to be living.
The answer is “yes” to both, “no” to both.
“I want to change my life” I decided at an earlier point in this year. I was unsure of the path but knew the destination. And the steps that were taken have been the most rewarding of my entire life. Owning my life – and realizing it is my own to live reap the consequences/rewards behind my actions…has changed my life.
Nothing feels quite like letting go for a moment and experiencing, in minutes, what you long to feel for the rest of your life. Nothing compares to the feeling of walking away and realizing that moment is, and forever will be, out of reach. All I can do is hope that the result will be different than my mind tells me is final. The gate in the fence is love. True love. Pure.
Blink.
Wake up, Plaat.
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