I think all relationships can teach you something about yourself, as well as what you’re looking for in another person. As a single Dad, I have a very high level of scrutiny that I have for a relationship, as I both want to have a happy future – as well as avoid pains from the past, while starting a new family that will go the distance.
There are a lot of factors to consider in any sort of relationship, – including casual acquaintances and even friendships. The most important factor is that of value.
In a bartender/drinker relationship, the bartender provides a certain measure of value with their conversation and service of drinks, while the drinker provides their value when they close out their tab at the end of the night.
The older you get, the more awareness you have of the values that actually hold weight in any given relationship. Good looks? Nice to have – but not something to base a relationship off of. Personality? That counts. Work ethic? Now you’re talking. Give the benefit of the doubt and forgive fast? Boner.
There are a lot of things in life that your interpersonal/personality traits have absolutely no impact on. For example, the ability to maintain a clean household, provide an income or properly raise a child. Said differently, these qualities exist outside of the direct relationship you have with another person, while being wholly responsible for the environment, quality of life and comfort level the two of you will share in your relationship.
Early on in my life as a single Dad, I felt like there was going to be an uphill climb for me in the dating world, because I was already a Father. Then, it dawned on me that [good] single Dad’s have three invaluable traits child-free candidates in the world lack when they show up for a date.
1. Paternal ability
When you have a child, it becomes painfully obvious what sort of parent you are, based on the way you raise them. Everybody hopes they’re going to get married and have a family with the most incredible mother/father in the world, yet a single Dad who is actively parenting a child gives an incredibly clear picture of what sort of parent they will be in their new forever family.
You think showing up to the pool with a prepared pool bag, snacks for your kid, sunscreen and your own bathing suit to swim makes you look like less of a man? Hardly. It makes you look like a rockstar – because you are one in the eyes of a prospective mate – and they notice these things before they engage with you at the pool…
2. Provision
If you’re a single Dad, chances are that you pay child support. When somebody on the outside looks at the quality of life you have, it certainly registers to them that you’re able to provide not only for your household, but also pay the bills of somebody else who doesn’t have the same ability to do so.
Despite the roller coaster that follows the event of becoming a single parent, I’ve been able to keep this element of my life intact, while working less than 10 hours a week. It isn’t about how hard you work – it’s about how smart you work, manage your time and create new opportunities that increase your earning power.
3. Your sperm works
In an age of fertility issues, having proof of concept that your half of the equation is working properly is an invaluable asset to somebody interested in starting a family.
Instead of walking into a relationship and walking the long road that leads to the point of conception with uncertainty about your ability to make a child, being a single father has irrefutable proof that you’re capable of creating a baby with somebody.
It took me about three years to arrive at some of these realizations about myself and the value that I deliver in a future relationship.
During those years, there was a large part of me that felt broken or crippled in my ability to begin a healthy relationship, have a lasting family and even sit across from the table on a date and feel like a complete man.
I see myself differently now. I’ve figured out some important things and have never had more confidence in both myself, as well as my ability to get back into the world of dating and have deep reassurance that I have something incredible to offer somebody.
Myself. Realized, actualized and born again.
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