I cannot help but ponder the previously-mentioned quote I placed on here a few days ago. As I’ve been wondering the implications behind discovering the inner wound within my spirit, while also discovering the genius, it becomes very apparent to me. It is increasingly difficult for me to figure out what it is that I want from this life. There’s the growing fear in me that I will, in one way or another, place my chips on the wrong table and waste an entire lifetime of potential. Before you are so quick to assure me that it is acceptable to make mistakes, I will remind you that all of us have a limited number of breaths to take on this planet. And it would be smart of us to ensure each one we take is used in the most efficient, strategic manner possible. We get one shot at this life. Let’s make it count.
My father had one shot at this life. He filled his life with many accomplishments, easily enviable of others. However, he also filled his life with many mistakes. Walking through this life, I begin to wonder if I am to follow in his same steps. What were his most notable mistakes? What could he have done differently that would have drastically altered the course of our lives?
Perhaps it bothers you that I write about my father so often. What you ought to know is that I do not write for you. I write for me. There, I said it.
One of my inherent weaknesses has been that I do not know what it means to stand on my own two feet. Sure, there have been limited opportunities where I’ve been able to do so. However, I often look for the support, encouragement, and provision from those around me. What does it mean to be truly independent from others, aside from utter dependence on our Heavenly Father? Perhaps it is not possible. At some point, there had to be a start, where man was dependent upon nobody except for God. While this fact does not change, what has changed is our perspective. With more ‘security’ in our bank accounts, joy in our garages, pleasure in our beds, laughter in our television, and provision in our almighty Master[card], we have forgotten the true nature of utter dependence upon our Heavenly Father.
In church, we discussed the historical fact of the Israelites building altars before their LORD when they encountered difficult situations. Upon this alter they laid out their needs before their Heavenly Father, who took up the offering and was quick to act in His will. We no longer build physical altars. However, my Spirit urged me to make an altar before the LORD and lay down a few things before Him. May He burn as He please.
It saddens my heart to know that I am a repeat offender of Matthew 6, as I worry constantly about what tomorrow will bring. It has been weak Faith and needless worry on my part, questioning G-d on every occasion and constantly taking life into my own hands.
I violate, on a regular basis, His call for us to be Holy as even He was Holy. My tongue filled with crude talk, mind filled with often-vulgar thought, and my words being quite detrimental to those who I may not even know. Rather than build others up, I tear them down. Rather than promote and encourage, I criticize and defame.
My eyes have not seen others as He sees them. Rather than seeing them as loved children of the King, I often view them as inferior versions of their true calling. Criticizing and holding unjust judgements against those who will never hear it uttered.
My ambition does not stem from a desire to please the LORD. Rather, it is from the seemingly-selfless desire to provide for family, while also realizing the true potential I was born with. I speak that my intentions are to please the LORD, but my heart is not consistent with this.
It’s time to place all of these things on the altar, so that the LORD may burn away what He pleases. Before the LORD, I offer my ambition, determination, heart, mind, soul, and strength. I place before Him the plans I have made for myself; forcing my way, rather than waiting to see what He would like me to do. I place before Him the dreams/desires of my heart that may stem from selfish desire. He knows what they are.
This is written declaration of my surrender to His righteousness. The joyous proclamation that I, in fact, cannot. It is the strong assurance that the Creator can, will, and does provide all. Every breath, heartbeat, dollar, and moment of life.
This is my determination to stop turning within for the answer(s) to life. Rather, to admit my life is not my own and to finally start living in a manner consistent with these words.
He’s good.
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