Rather than edit the previous blog, it seemed fitting to post a response. Of the many reasons I blog, the main one is that it allows me to reflect back on moments in time where the blog took place. It might surprise you how often I go back to revisit old blog postings from the past, so that I can learn something, anything. Yesterday, I would hardly call a positive day in my life; a client, who had committed to paying me a fair price for my services, decided to back out of the deal and leave me stranded, yet again. Were you to look at the number of times this has happened, you would think there was a problem with me. While I have certainly dropped the ball in times past, I can assure you this past client was not of my doing. All of this is irrelevant.
The reason I’m writing this posting is because I am now past the moment where life appears to be falling apart. What is this moment? This is the time where I wake up and live a full day in a life that has fallen apart. This may sound depressing, but I can assure you it is not. My circumstances have not changed in the least; my bank account is still in the single digits, Christmas is coming up very quickly, and I am looking at four digits of outstanding bills to pay this month. Terrific. That being said, I can assure you that things will somehow work out in this situation. That also being said, I can assure you I do not know how they will work out.
I have two responses to this type of situation. I’d like to preface these responses by telling you that yesterday was one of the most miserable days I’ve had in quite some time. Things literally hit the fan for me, and life did not look optimistic. I had a feeling that things were not going well with this client, and I decided to drive to bible study anyway. While driving through Ashville, OH, I received and read the email stating their intentions to pull out of the job. For a brief moment in time, I felt a fleeting sense of relief. I cannot explain it. After that, the misery and sense of defeat decided to creep in on me. While driving, I decided it would be the last thing I’d do to continue holding on and never giving up. That night, we talked about Joseph.
The first resolve of this situation has been to maintain and uphold my morality, integrity, and faith in God during these particularly bad times. Looking at Joseph, who had every excuse in the world to point a finger at God and blame Him for his circumstances, Joseph stayed faithful to Him in even the most unsuitable conditions; sold as a slave, imprisoned for having integrity, and being forgotten to rot in an Egyptian prison. At any point in this time, we would completely understand if Joseph were to tap out and ask God for a breather, complain about his circumstances, or lose his character.
As Joseph was being tempted of Potiphar’s wife, he could have easily justified the action of sleeping with her. After all, Joseph didn’t really have many good things happen to him at that point in his life; he was sold into slavery by his own brothers, whisked away from the family he loved, and had to fight for every bit of slack he was ever given as a slave. Heck, the possibility of sleeping with this woman seems like a pretty decent reward, if you ask me! However, and I’m so happy to see others have lived their lives by the “however”, Joseph remained true to his God and owner; he ran from the temptation. See, there are many times where I’m going through very difficult circumstances that I find it very easy to justify sinful actions and a loose attitude on my morals, as I feel it will do me no good to uphold high standards of righteousness in the times where things go wrong. Or I will tell myself that the sins I find temporary delight in are supposed to be used as a distraction against my current circumstances. Across the boards, I have done this; from alcohol to sex, I’ve often found many different distractions to take me away from the present, difficult reality. No more.
At this time, the first decision I am making is to stay true to my faith, morals, and pursuit of righteousness even in times where I cannot see the end of the tunnel in front of me. I am determined, LORD willing, to walk through this difficult time as a true Man of God, with a warrior in my spirit and strength in my resolve, that righteousness and integrity will be the foundation of my character. If my integrity cannot remain firm during the most difficult times, I will continue to pray that I stay in these hard times until I have been disciplined enough to maintain my integrity through these times and worse. Rather than questioning God, I will remind myself that His ways are much higher than my ways, and that it is not my job to question His will, plans, nature, or character.
Second, I have resolved to come out of this situation and never, ever return to these circumstances. That’s why I was as open as I was concerning my finances; this is a point of no-return for me, as I refuse to ever sink this low again. Rather than complain and gripe about this situation, I am soaking it in; feeling every ounce of pain, frustration, fear, and despair. I am remembering what they feel like, because I will use them as propellants, in the future, to keep me far, far away from ever returning to this difficult place.
If you have been reading my blogs, you will remember this prayer I wrote on November 9th, 2010. I prayed for God to take any of the foundations in my life that are not of Him and smash them beyond recognition. I have no doubt this is one of the many reasons that I have arrived at this moment in time. The last time I prayed a prayer of this nature, I was sent home packing from New York City. You’d think I would have learned my lesson about prayers like this. However, until my heart looks like His, my mind thinks like His, and my walk is one of righteousness and integrity, I will continue to pray these prayers and keep pressing inwards toward the Refiner’s fire.
“LORD — where do I begin during these times? Your Word states You are very well aware of all that is going on in my mind. And yet, my heart longs to connect with Yours. I do not doubt or question you during these times. Instead, You are the Rock and foundation I have been seeking. It’s through the roughest of waves and most violent of storms that Your presence gives strength to the weak, encouragement for the discouraged, and hope for those who have been deeply battered by the toils of life.
It is You and You alone who are aware of the broken heart that lies within me. You are the one who catches my tears before they fall. You comfort before the pain arrives. And you have given vision where mine has only been lost and polluted. And yet, you also call us to rise and fight. You are not a God of coddling or crippling in Your love. Instead, you command us to rise in the full strength of your might to conquer new lands and give You the glory.
LORD, continue to repair and restore my mind, heart, and spirit. They have been crushed beyond recognition. However, I know that You are the one who rebuilds and restores. If my heart was previously not set on You – rebuild it to look like Yours. If my mind was not focussed on thoughts pleasing to you, realign it to match Yours. If my spirit was built on a foundation other than Your Truth, smash it beyond recognition and continue to develop and mold with Your hands.”
Your son,
Aaron Plaat
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