Overdue

I’m staring at a face that refuses to give eyes of affirmation or acceptance. Seeing past every surface level feature and element that often confuse or bewilder others, these eyes cut right through to the empty core of a self existence. Harsh. Cold. Condemning. Those eyes. They scream at me, telling me I am shirking my potential, wasting opportunities, and making every relative I ever wanted to make proud turn away in shame from the sight of my existence. The eyes scream this because they see the truth. A hollow existence; not living for anything or anybody. The face turns in shame and I return to the temporal existence I’ve crafted. 

The man in the mirror is the hardest one to please.

I could say that my life has taken a turn for the worse. However, that would be following the assumption that it was in a better place previously. Instead, there’s the nagging realization that the past four years have been spent living in a matter that I know is truly shirking my potential. These are not times for words of affirmation; often coming from outsiders who point at all of the ‘great things’ I’ve ‘accomplished’ in the course of my life. No, I know the truth of the matter and that truth is not one that I’m proud of.

In the bible, Christ tells the parable of the servants who have been given talents (units of currency) and were left to invest and use them. It was the one who buried his talents that received the harsh punishment. In all reality, I identify most with the servant who was given the most talents, while also identifying with the one who didn’t do anything with what he was given. My skill sets are extraordinary for a twenty four year-old. That is without question. However, my application of these skills is embarrassing.

I stare at the face in the mirror and know that I’ve shirked my potential for far too long. I do not know how to fix the problem. However, I am reaching a point where everything I do resounds with a hollow echo that reminds me I am responsible for answering for everything I’ve done (or have failed to do) with my life.

I don’t hold myself to any other standard than myself and the potential I know that I am capable of. Because of this, I often am the only one who sees and really knows just how short I have fallen from the mark I’m capable of obtaining.

This is not written from a moment of sadness or frustration. Instead, this moment has been the tip of the iceberg that finally made me realize it’s time to stop shirking the potential my life has and actually begin to realize it. This moment calls for celebration, rather than sadness.